I was on hiatus. But now I'm not.

So yeah. I've been on a break. Obviously. There have been no new posts in ages. Yes, I get that it's not like I am a super-duper regular post writer person in the first place.  I think that I want to schedule myself soon though. Maybe. I was in need of a day where I wasn't stressing about how to write a post, when to write a post, or what to write in a post, a day (or two or twelve more or so) to just be broken and beautiful, and a day to be successful in my mothering without trying to write about it. A day to be wife to my dear husband without trying to figure out how to tweet about it, or write about it. And many days to fail like crazy at everything all at once, definitely at the same time. Boy, am I bad at being a grown up. I've been fudging it for a long time and I'm trying to get it together -- whatever "it" is.

(also: by adding the above graphic, I feel like my "hiatus" was official or something. ha.)

A week or so ago, I teased about a post-in-progress on IG, Twitter, and FB -- I'd like to get it to you, and to get the rest of the words out of me. If you don't follow me on those, please do!  While I struggle with writing regularly here, I do, in fact, manage to squeak out pictures and a few words on occasion via other social media platforms. Click the little buttons to the right of this post (the ones that took me hours to put on the blog. Seriously, it took me a couple of hours to figure it out myself, but gosh darn it, I did!) They'll get you to where you need to go to follow or like or whatever. I look forward to you joining me in those places, too. 

I do hope that my words tonight find you well, and gosh, if they don't because you are struggling with life's stuff, know that you have my thoughts and prayers -- and know that even in the struggle, there's grace to be found.  Truly. 

blessings! and joy!

nicole marie

with strength and dignity

Do you ever get the feeling that life is a little bit heavy to carry?  That so much is going on around you that you react without thinking?  That you become so overwhelmed that you get lost in it all and lose the moment? 

I do. You're not alone. 

And it's hard. And it's messy. 

I keep telling myself that somewhere in the difficulty and messiness is beauty to be found.  It's true you know, that beauty is here. You know what else is true? That blessings fill this life, that grace abounds, and that there is light somewhere when it's dark.  Also, just throwing it out there -- you will probably light up your dark. 

Embrace the mess, embrace the difficulty, feel the tears fall down your cheeks, and know, dear friend, you are not alone.

That I may be strong and dignified and filled with grace in life. In all ways.

On all of the days. This is my hope and my prayer. Especially now, when life feels heavy. 

blessings! and so much joy!

nicole mArie

She demanded milk.

My dear darling daughter woke up this morning at 4:45ish.  (It may have been 4:43, or 4:47, but for purposes of my retelling, I'll go with 4:45. ish.) She was demanding milk.  When I say demand, I mean crying and wailing and screeching.  The sort that means my sleep is contingent on her demands being met.  It's not something malicious, it's apparently just what toddlers do on occasion.  *head in hands*

Sounds simple enough, right?  Nope.  There's no milk in the house.  I want to sleep. How do I go back to sleep if I have no milk? How?!

I went into the kitchen.  I peered into the refrigerator past yesterday's leftovers and around the ketchup where I had hoped to find a full gallon of milk -- or even a teeny tiny bit of milk. A drop of milk?

There was no milk.  I knew that there wasn't milk. You already knew that there wasn't any milk.  

And then I looked again.  Yes, again. This time my eye caught a container that looked like this:

Don't judge me.  Half-and-half is great in coffee.  It's smooth, it's dairy, it's white.  And I'm a mother.  Mothers improvise. I am good at improvising, usually. (Once, though, when I turned my son's much loved puppy into a crispy mess in an old dryer,  he didn't like that we were going to replace his Mr. Puppy with a new one.  We had an elaborate story about how Mr. Puppy went to the spa and came back, um, different.  He didn't buy it one bit.  He chose the crispy.fuzzy puppy over the impostor.  We gained a new family member that day, his name is Cousin Puppy, cousin of crispy.fuzzy Mr. Puppy.)

This morning, I needed to be good at improvising because I needed to sleep. Sleep deprivation causes strange things to happen.


I poured some half-and-half into a sippy cup and filled the rest with water. Seriously, how could I make her drink it undiluted?  That's just...wrong. gross. ew. *hangs head in shame while giggling*

I stumbled back into the room and handed the cup to my girl child.  She took it. She drank it. She fell back to sleep. *sigh of relief* I fell back into my bed and I giggled while telling my husband what I just did.  He mumbled something to me, but I don't think he was surprised, and he rolled over ;)

Woo!  Parenting Win?  Parenting Fail?  Who cares?!  A little bit of desperate creative thinking, and the girl child and I both slept for a few more hours.

At least I didn't use heavy whipping cream.  I could have, you know.


Blessings! and Joy!
nIcole mArie

impossible until when? oh, ok.

I feel this way about about, well, about more than one thing in my life.  I am off to the gym with the littles in tow to cross train.  What this quote doesn't mention is when that which seemed impossible is done/finished/completed, it feels pretty. darn. great.
And I want that great-ness today.


Blessings! and Joy!
nicole mArie

apply.courage

I am not finished. I am much closer to the beginning than I am to the middle, even, but I had the courage to begin, and I have the courage to continue, and I will have the courage to finish.

*smiles*
Apply those words to my running.
Apply those words my spiritual life.
Apply those words to all that is Nicole mArie.
Apply courage. Then see, feel, know, live a miracle.

Boom.

Happy Day to you.
Blessings! and Joy! and today, Courage!
Nicole mArie

i wonder how it came to this

When I was was a teenager I had a blog. And I liked it. And I liked to write in it. Then I stopped. I think that life changed, and I stopped writing in it. And that blog still exists, and it is funny to read it over remembering who I was then, wondering where that part of me is now. Wanting that part of me back and wondering if I can still have that part of me when I am not at that place in my life but wanting it in my life now...

When I was in college, I started to write again, but this time, in journals. And I didn't just write about my day to day experiences, or use them to inform people about stuff. I wrote for me. I wrote poetry, and I wrote a short story now and again. i wrote a lot of words. And then I stopped. Life again? And I also want that part of me back. I like the writer inside of me. She is messy and beautiful all together.

My insides are full of words. My insides are full of magic and creative-ness and mess and beauty and those parts of me need to get out. My insides want to be on the outside of me. And I am trying to write. again.

I am trying to be messy.beautiful on the outside. and I am terrified of judgment. and of you rejecting who i am. so be careful. i am fragile. today. and probably tomorrow. but i am excited and willing and ready. to put my insides on the outside.

I can.